Lost At Sea

I love being able to write in this blog. I actually do it more for me than anything. I kind of doubt very many people see it anyway, so it’s become a way to release my feelings on “paper”. For a while, it has served to free my heart when it is held down by emotions. I’m in that mode today. I went through a windstorm of feelings just in the last 7 days. My heart feels beat up. This last week I traveled back home to see my sisters. I miss my Bay Area. In just 5 years since I was there last, things have changed so much. And so have we. I wish we were closer geographically because I miss them and I’ve missed so much of life with them. That makes me incredibly sad. It’s just hard to go back and walk through the places I grew up in. The places that we shared life and it’s hard to see the house I grew up in and drive through the neighborhood remembering everything that happened in the past. I kind of relived my nightmares as I traveled through the neighborhood. Then in the middle of that, I became doubtful about my life and my ministry. Wondering what I’m really doing and how is what I am doing actually accomplishing anything? Trying to understand where I am supposed to go with this. To round it off, I wrestled with a deep friendship that has defined so much of my life. Our two lives so intertwined that any disharmony throws my world off. We couldn’t come to a common place and I need this person in my heart. I felt aimless. Actually, adrift is a better word. Yesterday, I needed to go somewhere special to pray. If I weren’t so aware of my need for Him, I would have hit a bar. Instead, I went to my favorite place, Montara Beach. I wanted to sit on that sand and pray as I looked at the water. I used to do that long ago when I lived in Half Moon Bay. The beaches in that area are unlike any beach in Southern California or any other more tropical place. They are moody, cold, rocky, and sometimes grey, but always majestic. I had a lot of time before I had to fly out, so I just stayed there and plugged my heart into His. I know you know what I was feeling. There are times no one is going to comfort us or fill those cracks in our hearts the way He will. (Which reminds me; I prayed for Him to send me hearts because I love them so much. Right as I was walking down, a random heart is hanging on the rail) I wish I could go there whenever I wanted, like I used to. Still, yesterday was like a precious link with Him that I so badly needed to help my spirit. I just love Him. He is wherever I go to connect. There isn’t any delay. I don’t think I would survive if it were any other way. I didn’t leave perfectly resolved about anything. But I did receive His presence and His concern and His devotion. I think that is what I really needed. I’m running on that today since it wouldn’t take that much to make me cry when I think of those things. The beach was beautiful, but I was actually looking at Him.

Love Always❤❤❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In All Sincerity

How else would LOVE be? Is it possible to love insincerely? I couldn’t. For me to love is to give your heart honestly, completely, wholly, sacrificially and with all the risk that comes with that. But, that doesn’t mean I have done that quickly, easily, or often in my life. I reserved love for a select number of people. I had legitimate reasons. All based on the past. So, my heart was highly protected. In order to preserve the integrity of the barrier surrounding it, I vetted anyone who could get close.* Once I could trust, then maybe, I could allow myself to know them and let them mostly know me. In time, I would hesistantly let love develop in me, but I would never ever tell someone  “I love you” unless it were completely and seriously true. I’m looking at what I just wrote, and it is still me, today. Not completely, though, and I won’t remain that way. The Author of Love won’t let me. He  decided to open up my understanding of Love in order to free me from the restrictions I created that stall or stop Love. He has always told me the truth about Love in His Word and His Life. But, that barricade around my heart was still intact. In the last months, He has used every meaningful, caring, powerful method to help me remove the walls. Then the  time came to reveal the deeper understanding of LOVE which meant I would have to know Him in depth, since He is LOVE. Looking at Him as the definition of LOVE, He made it clear that my description of LOVE is right but without the barrier. He has no protection shielding His Heart. Nothing. It is available in Love to anyone at any time without restriction which means it is susceptible to breaking all the time. In order for me to Love, I have to make my heart as accessible as His. This has to be the most difficult change that I have ever faced. I’m in the process of it and I don’t think I will just pass through and be Jesus in LOVE by tomorrow. But, I see Him changing me. I’ve come to realize He is in me and He will transform me from the inside out, if I am willing. It has to be this way because I cannot do this alone. In my human nature, I do not want to open up the way to my heart and introduce heartbreak. I already know how that feels because even my high security clearance protocol, didn’t prevent it from happening. If I keep moving forward in sincerity, I will only do it through Him.

“I am crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me.”—Galatians 2:20

“Christ in you, the hope of glory.”-Colossians1:27

“do you not realize about yourselves that Jesus Christ is in you?” 2 Corinthians 13:5

I’ve decided, I’m letting Him. He’s doing it right now. He is residing in me and He has placed me in position to LOVE. And of course in His poetic wisdom, He has put locked hearts in my life. But, I know the password. It’s JESUS.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,”

Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.

 

1Corinthians 13:4-8 THE MSG

*except my children??

Love Always ???❣????????❤?♥♡

 

 

 

To Live Is Christ

Philippians 1:21a

I thought through my life as a Christian and I wondered what word spans most of my time as a believer and describes my most common feeling. Guilt won by a huge margin. It has both motivated Me and paralyzed Me. I’m hyper-aware of my sin. I see where I fail. I believe I should be making every effort. I then Love and try to serve and obey. But, when I read the Word, I feel condemned. That was until yesterday. I finished the last chapter in the book Beautiful Outlaw and I can’t justify continuing to live like that. It hasn’t yielded a full life. I will always be lacking. This is what I read:

“Jesus has no intention of letting you become whole apart from his moment-to-moment presence and life within you. Your brokenness and your sin are not something you overcome so that you can walk with God They are the occasions for you to cry out… Christ in you, your only hope of glory. Let this sink in: Jesus has no intention of letting you become whole apart from his moment-to-moment presence and life within you… you are still a branch in desperate need of a Vine. If you have found his morality, wonderful. But you can’t hope to pull it off without his life.”

“The blossom of your humanity is the life of Jesus in you. You get to live his life!
Oneness with Him. Allowing his life to become your life. His revolution is not self-transformation, but his transformation of us, from the inside out, as we receive his life and allow him to live through us. Vine, branch.
Incarnation in you.”

His power didn’t just create a new Me on the day I was born again. He didn’t leave Me to then be solely responsible for my continual transformation and growth. That’s how I’ve thought most of my Christian walk. I walk, and He is beside Me, guiding, leading, etc. But that is not true. He is In Me. When I ask Him to invade me, we are together in Me. All the time. He is not far away. He and I share the same heart, soul, eyes, ears, touch, compassion, wisdom, obedience, love. I’m not alone trying and failing. I am not one. I am the sum of He and I. The life of Christ is in Me.

“When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” Colossians 3:4

“Or do you not realize about yourselves that Jesus Christ is in you?” 2Cor 13:5

“I am crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me.” Galatians 2:20

I’ve read those verses so many times. But I never heard them. Until now. All day, I’ve been talking to Him, knowing He is here. I am not alone. I’ve never been since my spiritual birth. He walks into every room I do. He is present in every temptation. We experience hurts in tandem. He equips me in every act of Love. I am still Me, but He inhabits my heart. This the most empowering fact second to the Cross. That He intends to coexist in Me because He fiercely loves Me and is going to ensure I make it Home. I am not alone.

Love Always❤❤❤

 

In the last few weeks, every sermon or book or spiritual input I receive, I compare to the truth of who He really is.  On Sunday I was in a class that was studying the book of Romans. The day I walked into the class they were on Chapter 2.  The whole class was focused on the righteous wrath of God.  Usually I never say anything because it just seems like everybody just wants to be heard or hear themselves talk.  But, I had to say something. I raised my hand and I said that everything about God is LOVE. His wrath is LOVE. It’s not just punishment to keep us in line. But this is how the class was being taught. That was the trap I just escaped from. Fear is respect and it is the beginning of wisdom but the warnings and admonitions in His teachings are only part of the picture. Jesus is SO much more than the red words.

 

 

 

 

Fail Proof

I only have one sure bet in my life. The one constant that is secure and guaranteed. The Love that He has for Me. It carries zero spiritual risk. This verse and the truth behind it, were understood. But, not really because I still had moments where I inserted my will.  Faith and Fear coexisted.  There were times that my trust was so high, I saw New Testament type miracles. Yet, I’ve  had Faith valleys. Those particular points that exposed the true depth of my trust and it was less than shallow. Right now, though, I’ve gotten to the point, that I naturally believe this about Him without a lot of reservation or very much hesitation.  I wrote two days ago that the book Beautiful Outlaw has flipped my mind and heart.  I can never return to the way I viewed Jesus before. How I know Him now, is inscribed on my heart.  I am kind of in the middle of a major test and this new closeness has given Me a weirdly illogical confidence. All because He turned a certain way, and I see an entirely different Jesus than I ever knew.  I knew Him enough to understand and accept salvation but didn’t really know Him any closer than my limited perspective would allow. So, He obliterated it. At the same time, I ran across a post on Instagram by my friend Sandra.  She wrote: “Our TRUST must be deliberate, on purpose, and of our will. It must be a TRUST built on an inner evidence that sees beyond all natural abilities. TRUST from the soul is infinite, it knows no limits, only infinite possibilities…TRUST written in our hearts will rise up in the face of opposition, stirring up memories of past victories…This TRUST demands a commitment of the heart. The enemy is no match when we with our whole heart TRUST in the LORD. TRUST requires abandoning our own way. When we do, we find a new order to life, God’s order.”  Before, I would have read that and agreed, but it would have been hard to connect with Jesus.  As of now, this makes complete sense. SS  The trust Sandra wrote about is a heart commitment and no one commits their heart unless it is out of LOVE. And I am sure that prior to His most recent reveal, I would not have been able to sincerely say I love Jesus. I never really thought about it. I say I love God. I trust God. Aside from that, I didn’t think about Jesus in the same vein. But Jesus and the Father are one. So, it would be really hard to commit my heart in LOVE and trust to only one and not the other, but that is exactly what I did. I think that is why it was hard to be completely trusting and faithful since I was missing Jesus. Or leaving Him out because I didn’t understand Him.  This is when His unfailing Love walked Me through a door of discovery and once I stepped in, I saw how He loves.  The humanity and divinity of His Love.  He loves at our level and I need that.  He loves Me in my language and I really need that. But above it all, if I commit my heart in trust, I really really need a LOVE that won’t fail, and His is Fail Proof.

Love Always???

Your Love Is My Identity

If I made that statement about a person, it would sound foolish. The idea that I would tie who I am to their love, would be concerning. The risk of being lost in someone else’s love is high because as sincere and invested as their heart is, they are still fallible and susceptible to the same weaknesses that I am. I heard this line in a song this morning. I was listening to a faith song by Colton Dixon. The rest of the song was okay, but this was a standout verse. Even though I cannot make this statement about another person, I can make this statement about Jesus. I want to make this statement about Jesus. By saying this and believing it, I am declaring that I am invaluable because His Love subjected itself to all these things for Me:

Pain

Betrayal

Loneliness

Suffering

Temptation

Satan

Humanity

Sorrow

Death

He confronted all of these and He overcame for Me. These things still exist, but they can’t take over. These days, He is before Me and with Me. When I face these things, He is the only Way to live through them. Sorrow was one that I had to walk through recently. It was a deep walk. It seemed bottomless and I could not see how I would ever get through it or out of it. If you have ever been submerged in sorrow and grief, I know you would understand the level of desolation I am talking about. I would not have survived if He had not been beside me. He refused to let me believe that it was endless. I was thinking through this at the same time as the song ended and another one began. The next one voiced everything that I felt about Him especially during that time. I am not totally free of the sorrow, but I am not hopeless.

“I Am Not Alone” 

–Kari Jobe

 

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I’m standing in the fire

I will not be overcome     ss

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

 

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

 

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

 

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

 

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

 

You’re my strength

You’re my defender

You’re my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You’ve always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

___
So, I arrived at work and I took out a post it and lettered that phrase. I am Loved because He is Love. But I am also Love. Every time He loves through Me, I am Love. And even though, I am faulty, His Love in Me cancels out my imperfections. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

The more I Love, the more I pursue Him and what pleases Him and what makes Him feel loved by Me. “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” John 14:15   It becomes a Love Cycle.

This blog post is my tribute to My Identity.  He makes Me, Him.

Love Always

 

 

I Look To You

I l

But mine eyes are unto thee, O GOD the Lord: in thee is my trust; leave not my soul destitute. Psalm 141:8

Where else will I look?  I don’t have another place to see the Love that I need to get me from place to place here in this world.  If I hit a empty space, I look to You.  Yesterday, I saw the sky and the sun peeked through these crazy looking clouds.  I see You in this Light.  You are the One who shines in the times I think I want to just give it up.  But I can’t give up.  I don’t have the capability to stop believing in You or to stop seeing how You love me.  My heart is forever linked with Yours. Your messages are constant Love sayings and I really saw them in the book you gave me. I started with The Real God and it gave me knowledge of you. But then, I returned to the book I started back in January. The one I had put away, in heartbreak and discouragement.   Beautiful Outlaw.  I had only gotten to Chapter 8.  So, I picked it up and that is when You appeared.  And You just kept showing up.  And every Chapter gave me more of You. More  understanding, security, and more assurance of Your Love. Then last night, I had to seek You even more because life just won’t cooperate sometimes. It decided to introduce some pain and confusion and  I woke up at 12:34 and it was not easy to try to return back to sleep.  I realized in the most obvious way, that the only thing I know, is that I need You. Otherwise, I am functioning on a tiny bit of information and a tremendous about of blind faith. This is why I look to You. And when I do, I see this kind of Light. Your Presence assuring Me that I am not making a mistake in seeking You and I am not following You in error.  Even if life tells me that I am. Even if taking my lead from you has not achieved everything I wanted.  You won’t fail Me, just like the sun never fails to come out. As much as I wish I could know more and not be left wondering about so much, I am going to keep reading the book, the Book, and your Love sayings.  I will also keep looking to You because you never move.

Love Always

 

I wanted to videotape the sky, but I couldn’t edit the sound out.  Yesterday was kind of a weird day and then this morning was hard. I think it is a good thing I had to work today.  It forces me to think of others and not become so introspective that I forget to love.  It also helps that it is sunny today.  I think I will sit outside for awhile.  God bless.

Free To Be Me

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” Galatians 5:1

Everyone who accepts the price paid for their freedom, will walk free all the days of their life.  The captor that once had all the power and leverage, now has no claim. The chains of lies, anger, hatred, hopelessness, self loathing, human approval, worthlessness, earthly cravings, have been removed and destroyed. They do not exist anymore. When I was still a captive, I was held by multiple chains. There were so many, I didn’t even try to remove them and I made my life accommodate their presence. I would never be capable of escape without intervention. My Rescuer appeared and I did not go easily. The chains hurt, but I was accustomed to them and some, I actually liked. I’d minimize those ones, and act like they were bracelets instead of shackles. But my Hero came to save and He had no intention of leaving me behind. So, He showed me the amount He paid for my ransom. His life. He covered my debt with Love. How could I remain? I couldn’t. I followed Him. Now, I am no longer a slave held against my will. Yet, I am a slave. A voluntary captive of the Love of Him. No one holds me down. But Love compels me to use my freedom to continually pay toward the only outstanding debt left. “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.” Romans 13:8 I have decided to enslave myself to Love. “But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life.” Romans 6:22 Those things are whatever I do in Love. He never forces me. He does not infringe on my liberty. I make that choice to show Him my love.  But, ironically, He never sees me as a slave. He sees me as, His valued child. “Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child.” Galatians 4:7

It is my resolve to believe this and not allow the previous things that have attempted to enslave me, to ever have the upper hand again. If I am ever confined like that again, it will be because I placed the irons on myself. The only power they will ever have over Me, is the power I grant them. After living under those conditions, I have no intention of returning. For such a long time, I’ve been under my own self arrest. What a &^%$#@ life! I couldn’t enjoy anything. Every single thing was tinged with the pain of the incarceration. Love had freed me and I returned to human desires because I didn’t pursue Higher Love. I finally had to seek Him. I couldn’t live locked under my own wants. Yesterday, He rescued me from Me. His Unconditional Love is the key that keeps me from ever being chained again. I have that key. He gave it to Me. I think yesterday, was the first day in weeks that the break in my heart did not ache. He has destined Me for something greater. I trust that the same Jesus that Rescued Me, is the same Jesus that will fulfill Me. He made Me to be the Me that He will Love through and whatever He has planned for my destiny, it is Perfect and Loving, and I find a lot of freedom in that.

“Freedom is the oxygen of the soul.”  Moshe Dayan

Love Always???

Peace Out

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.” John 16:33

I looked out at this sunset from Joyuda Beach in Puerto Rico last month.  The peace of that night is the peace I needed today.  I wanted the kind of peace that opens up my mind and heart to hear what He is saying and what He is desiring.  I had to make room for it and I had to chase after it.     “…seek peace and pursue it.” Psalm 34:14b  It did not come from self production since I don’t have natural peace in me.  I knew that it comes from being one with Jesus.  For that reason, I chose to press into Him in order to be in the same spiritual space. “whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.” 1 Corinthians 6:17
That would be the only way I could connect with him in peace since He is peace. “he himself is our peace.” Ephesians 2:14  I felt him in my life and I heard Him in song as I drove to work.  I looked for Him in the sky.  And what I heard were these words: ” I am close to you as you breathe.” I think I heard it in a lyric but I am not sure. All that matters is that I heard it. What a profound thought.  I am breathing all the time.  It’s not like I hold my breath on a regular basis, so He is with me all the time. If he is with me all the time and He is peace, then I can be in peace in Him at any time. I can hear Him at any time. I just need to listen.  So, I did. He gave me insight and some verses but mostly He just loved me in peace.  And when my earthly nature wanted to pull away because I saw messages on my phone and because I was drawn to the desire to respond, I had to decide to keep connected with Him.  The day was dedicated to Him.  I wanted to give Him the best of the day.  It was the only way I could hear Him.  I am trying to understand what He wants of me and where He wants to take me.  I need to know.  He gave me some direction and the rest will require faith. Even though, I don’t know everything I feel at peace because today was Peace, and He was Today.

“A peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience.”  William Shakespeare

Love Always

 

 

Jackpot

Generally, I would not consider myself to be a gambler. But, when the Powerball lottery is high, I will bet $10 on some tickets. If someone is going to win, why not me? I know how to handle money. I work in the accounting field and I understand finances. I’ll let myself fantasize (for about 2 mins) about how I would make those winnings work for the Kingdom & free me to devote myself to my ministries, including this one. It would be so much easier to have that level of freedom in ministry.  I could spend my time creating, writing, serving and not have to go to my job. Instead, I sat at the table at 4 this morning, (slept in), and I did not know what to post. Whatever I write goes on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and maybe Tumblr as the post of the day. But today, I had nothing. I had zero inspiration and a lot of anxiety. I leafed through my Rhodia notebook looking at all my practice runs on verses that I’ve lettered. I found this verse written out. But, I decided to reletter it. That took 200 tries. I finally achieved a decent result but I still did not have an idea of what the message would be to accompany the image. Poo, this is hard. You’d think by now, after almost a year, I’d have this down.  I even thought, how long am I going to do this?  Should I keep this ministry going for years? I believe He has a project He is planning to do in this. But, if I look further out, I don’t know if I’m supposed to continue like this. I guess it’s all a gamble like the lottery. From the start, that’s how it’s been.    When I was born again, I placed my life on Him as my wager. The only reason I did it was because His Sacrifice displayed the extent of His Love which He placed first. He took the greater/costly risk. In faith I continue to put down my bet and He returns so much more than I ever put in. His provision will come through every time. It did this morning and a post was born. He also spoke and confirmed His intent to always provide even when I feel like I’m losing. I may incur loss here, yet He  guarantees a future eternal gain.

Love Always❤❤❤

I will keep doing what I’m doing until it’s time to stop.

Hello Monday!

Psalm 118:24 “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

 

I know, it’s hard to accept that He made Mondays too. But it came in that set of 7 He created and one of those had to start the week.The problem is, the weekend shows off and poor Monday, has to follow that act. So, instead of hating Monday, I’ll look at all it’s good sides. It may require me to be somewhere for a period of time but that shouldn’t hinder life. If my life’s purpose is to Love, well, Monday has just as many hours as it’s counterparts to accomplish that. “…let us love one another.” 1John 4:7  Monday may not look like the other days, yet it has Love opportunities the other days might not have. “Make the most of every opportunity…” Colossians 4:5  Here is another great thought,  even if things get hard, His Love, Grace, Faith, (1Tim 1:14) Will (Psalm 138:8) Spirit (John 14:17), remains constant. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8  I actually feel a lot better about today. Hey, Hello, Monday!

 

You know Monday isn’t so bad. Do I like Friday better? Yes, (Sorry, Monday) but Mondays are whatever those 24 hrs are capable of in His Hands. Today, I’m facing a lot of work. The next two weeks are going to be packed and everyday will feel like Monday.  I have to see Him in each day, working minute by minute miracles that are powered by Love. So that if I’m inundated,  and I will be, I can count on Him to open up even a small window to be Him in Love. I’m kind of looking forward to it because He is so unorthodox. I don’t know that I can even imagine how He’ll work. Whatever He does, He’ll do it this week and next week and then He’ll do it the following week in CA!  I’ll get the chance to let Him display Himself to some of my fav people, my sisters!!!!  So, it’s ok that the next few weeks are hectic. They can all try to look like Mondays, and that’s alright. Under the Light of Love, Mondays are actually quite beautiful.

Love Always???