I love being able to write in this blog. I actually do it more for me than anything. I kind of doubt very many people see it anyway, so it’s become a way to release my feelings on “paper”. For a while, it has served to free my heart when it is held down by emotions. I’m in that mode today. I went through a windstorm of feelings just in the last 7 days. My heart feels beat up. This last week I traveled back home to see my sisters. I miss my Bay Area. In just 5 years since I was there last, things have changed so much. And so have we. I wish we were closer geographically because I miss them and I’ve missed so much of life with them. That makes me incredibly sad. It’s just hard to go back and walk through the places I grew up in. The places that we shared life and it’s hard to see the house I grew up in and drive through the neighborhood remembering everything that happened in the past. I kind of relived my nightmares as I traveled through the neighborhood. Then in the middle of that, I became doubtful about my life and my ministry. Wondering what I’m really doing and how is what I am doing actually accomplishing anything? Trying to understand where I am supposed to go with this. To round it off, I wrestled with a deep friendship that has defined so much of my life. Our two lives so intertwined that any disharmony throws my world off. We couldn’t come to a common place and I need this person in my heart. I felt aimless. Actually, adrift is a better word. Yesterday, I needed to go somewhere special to pray. If I weren’t so aware of my need for Him, I would have hit a bar. Instead, I went to my favorite place, Montara Beach. I wanted to sit on that sand and pray as I looked at the water. I used to do that long ago when I lived in Half Moon Bay. The beaches in that area are unlike any beach in Southern California or any other more tropical place. They are moody, cold, rocky, and sometimes grey, but always majestic. I had a lot of time before I had to fly out, so I just stayed there and plugged my heart into His. I know you know what I was feeling. There are times no one is going to comfort us or fill those cracks in our hearts the way He will. (Which reminds me; I prayed for Him to send me hearts because I love them so much. Right as I was walking down, a random heart is hanging on the rail) I wish I could go there whenever I wanted, like I used to. Still, yesterday was like a precious link with Him that I so badly needed to help my spirit. I just love Him. He is wherever I go to connect. There isn’t any delay. I don’t think I would survive if it were any other way. I didn’t leave perfectly resolved about anything. But I did receive His presence and His concern and His devotion. I think that is what I really needed. I’m running on that today since it wouldn’t take that much to make me cry when I think of those things. The beach was beautiful, but I was actually looking at Him.
Love Always❤❤❤
