Journeying through this life, I have those seasons that I feel like I’m on a bullet train and I just want to get off for awhile. There are too many things going on too fast. But the train (life) isn’t going to stop for me and if I jumped off, it definitely won’t wait for me to re-board. When I feel frantic, I need stability. In order to cope, I have to do something. I know I should hide my soul in His Spirit and I know that I desperately need Him to soothe my being. But I don’t always go to Him first. I try other things, but He is the only One who can quiet my agitated soul.
“He comforts us in all our troubles.” 2Corinthians 1:4
“If you love me, keep my commandments. “And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another comforter, to be with you forever, the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him; but you know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.” John 14:15-18
It’s like a Loving, Divine, straightjacket. It holds me still until I can get some spiritual equilibrium. I don’t need Him to hold me down and I don’t think that’s what He does. I just need Him to hold me. He knows.
“even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” 139:10
I want to know this embrace all the time and never feel like I’m riding alone. He wants the same. My problem is that I forget. I have no idea why. That’s not true. I actually, do know why. I am away from Him too many times sitting by myself and then I panic. Without His strength, I want to get off or try to figure out the exact route or question the destination. I stop looking at the scenery and I no longer enjoy the trip. I don’t want to live like that. I have to decide what kind of passenger I’m going to be because being one isn’t going to change until the train reaches it’s destination.
I wish I could go back to who I was in my spirit months back before I took on this ministry. I don’t remember at that time feeling spiritually unsteady. I was solid in my direction and His plan for what He wanted for me. I had prayed and I listened. I didn’t know the all of the details of the journey so I had a few false starts but it was more of a discovery period. I was hopeful and probably naïve. But it seemed like this part of the journey would yield my purpose and I didn’t think about how other lives would collide with mine. No regrets. I have to say that because I do feel regretful at times. Yet, if He didn’t decree it, He allowed it. After all these months, I can count so many joyful and learning moments. After all that has happened, I really could never go back to how it was or I was. I am not the same. I really did enjoy so much of the trip despite the detours and questions. I’m reminiscing and I think savoring life is what I miss out on when everything is moving so quick. The last few months taught me so much and I really value what was revealed about Agape and Jesus. I think I’m going to put my mind and heart in that place and then let Him hold me until we arrive at our next stop or destination.